he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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