I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
