i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
