Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
