I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Two words: blizzard sex
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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