My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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