I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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