Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
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