I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
