Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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