I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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