Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
