ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
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He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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