so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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