What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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