I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
