saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
