life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
