I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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