i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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