when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
