Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
