somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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