You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
