It's like God shit irony all over that family
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
