it wasn't lemon gatorade
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
