dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
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We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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