My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
