I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
