I think i peed on brittanys purse
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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