in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
