so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
