if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You're like the curious george of whores
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
