I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize