i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
