sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
