Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
