just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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