a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
