allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
