Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You have to summon your inner elephant
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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