proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
