My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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