you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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