how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
