When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
