what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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