I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
