I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
