we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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