Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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