He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
