I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
