i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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