So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Wipe that smile off your face.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep