Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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