Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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