sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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