So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
