im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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