I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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